Is the opening to my story eye catching? Would you read it?

This post was written by Michele
Posted Under: Dead Sea Bath Salt Questions

Question by : Is the opening to my story eye catching? Would you read it?
“Snap!”
A bright flash pushed me out of my daze. I sucked in a breath and felt the bitter taste the New York Harbor had to offer. It was a solution of sea salt, boat fuel, and somebody’s odorous perfume. I opened my eyes just as the boats roaring horn boomed aloud. I glanced up and took in the beauty of one of our nation’s most prized possessions; The Statue of Liberty. We were passing Liberty Island.

When staring up at the copper sculpture, a piece of my heart broke. She had always wanted to see the statue.

I shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my worn jeans. At the same time I could feel tears bunching up in my eyes, threatening to fall.

“No. Not now, not here.” I said quietly to myself.

I felt like everyone, including Lady Liberty herself, had their eyes glued to me. I covered a sob with a cough and made my way to the inside of the fairy, taking a seat on the opposite side.

What a coward I was for letting her miss these beautiful sights, for making my senior trip hell. New York was a one-time thing, for me anyway. I was an 18 year old boy, from the rainy streets of Portland, Oregon. To Elise, New York was everything she could dream of.

Here I go again. Faulting her for my depressed zombie-like state. What a pleasurable thing to do, blame a dead girl for my dejected life.

When we sailed away from Liberty Island, I looked up towards the light blue sky and into the puffy clouds.
Their brightness sent a picture of her pearly smile into my mind and like a film role, memories played throughout my head.
______________________________________…
It’s kinda like a short story about a boy reflecting on the loss of his best friend.
I’m 14, so there might be some grammar issues.
Thanks.

Best answer:

Answer by Miyu Kuran
Wow! This is really good, the whole story just clicks. I love the “snap” as it makes me interested straight away. Please e-mail me, jazzie1278@hotmail.com with the rest of your story. XD

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Tags: Beautiful Sights, Bitter Taste, Boat Fuel, Bright Flash, catching, Copper Sculpture, Dead Girl, E Mail, Film Role, Grammar Issues, Kuran, Lady Liberty, Liberty Island, Opening, Piece Of My Heart, Prized Possessions, Puffy Clouds, Rainy Streets, read, Sea Salt, Senior Trip, Story, Time Thing, Worn Jeans, would

Reader Comments

I didn’t read it all, but it caught my attention. is the “Snap!” spoken, or a sound? If spoken, say so. If not, then no quotation marks. Snap is such a poppy word. Grabs your interest. Good job and good wording ^_^

Written By Hikari Anderson on March 22nd, 2012 @ 3:40 pm

It’s good.
Good hook.
I also like a cough to cover a sob. It’s a newer way to do such a thing.
Death is a bit difficult to use as a hook, but if you have a good plot in mind, it can work well.
I’ll tell you one [1] thing about ..not grammar.. but spelling.
It’s not “fairy” – it’s ‘ferry.’
Keep writing and keep revising. Have fun, too.

Written By LK on March 22nd, 2012 @ 4:06 pm

well done i think id read this for sure, i like your story line, keep at it.

Written By missfizzle on March 22nd, 2012 @ 4:33 pm

There were two areas I felt needed some work – the initial flash is not explained well enough to make sense. What was it?

Also the simile at the end “like a film role” detracts rather than adds to the memories that follow – trust the treader to follow you – you do not have to spell things out. This is one of an author;s hardest challenges – trusting the reader.

Written By Thomas on March 22nd, 2012 @ 5:08 pm

It is eye-catching, I loved it. I’m 14 too.That’s probably better than I can write. The only grammar issue I see is you used the wrong spelling of Ferry. You spelled it like it was a fairy princess But other than that….IT WAS AMAZING!

Written By Undefined on March 22nd, 2012 @ 5:52 pm

wow for a 14 year old you write really well. i was an avid writer at 14. i went over some of my work a few years ago and could have killed myself at embarrassment at how bad it was lol. you’ve got a talent. keep working on it.

It was good, i’d like to know whats going to happen, how his friend died, was she more than just a friend?

I really liked the covered the sob with a cough.

Written By French Maiden on March 22nd, 2012 @ 5:59 pm

Definitely good for your age, but I agree with Thomas – where did the bright flash come from? That was forgotten right away when it’s an interesting thing. Great description of the smells. Little mistake, just put an apostrophe in boat’s. Any reason you don’t say Elise’s name right away? She makes me wonder who you’re talking about and almost sounds like the statue at first.

I like the sob/cough too. Like others said, it’s spelled ferry. I’m not sure what it means ‘for letting her miss…’ or will you get into that later? Is it the character’s fault somehow that she isn’t there? From him coming so close to crying, I was thinking she was dead. Explain what’s causing the cowardly feeling.

Just a few thoughts as I read it. Nice job as a whole – keep it up and good luck!

Written By NekoBus on March 22nd, 2012 @ 6:16 pm

Next Post: Of Mice & Men – They Don’t Call It the South for Nothing (Live 2010 Warped Tour)

Previous Post: Cinema Strange – Mediterranean Widow

Sea Salt Bath – Dead Sea Bath Salt -Dead Sea Products

Recent Posts

Pages

Meta

Is the opening to my story eye catching? Would you read it?

Reader Comments

Subscribe to Feeds

Search for:

Categories

Meta